If only
by sydney563
Summary: A crossover with Lost Girl written in Lauren Lewis pov. She meets Gail Peck at a police conference. They share their hearts, tequila and a few tacos. Talk about holly and Bo. Takes place after Gail and Holly split for a little bit. Lauren is pulled from my Partners series, you might want to read that of you enjoyed this one shot.


**AN: This is a result of watching too much Rookie Blue yesterday and thinking about Captain Lewis and the whatifs. So this little go takes place in between when Lauren and Bo parted ways in Partners, before they reunite at the conference in D.C. Simple story line of what if Officer Peck stumbled upon Captain Lewis. So read on, this will just be a one shot, nothing more.**

**I also don't own the lovely Lauren Lewis or Gail Peck, they belong to their homes at Lost Girl and Rookie Blue, I just borrowed them.**

It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all.

* * *

><p>"Come and get me in one hour, Alex. Rush in with some sort of silly administrative emergency back at the station that needs my immediate attention." I grumbled the instructions as I reached for my dress hat and jacket, lying the backseat of Alex's car.<p>

He chuckled, pulling up to the front entrance of the Palmer House Hilton hotel. "Yes, Captain Lewis, as you command." He playfully saluted me.

I rolled my eyes, purposely swatting him with the jacket sleeves on its way through the gap between the seats. "Don't be a dick. You know I am far from a people person, let alone a politician or salesman." I glanced out the window, groaning at the sight of uniforms moving around the front entrance. "If Jameson had told me he also left me with his full conference schedule, I would have taken that job at Barnes & Noble."

Alex shook his head, grinning like always as he leaned in the seat, "Lauren, this will be good for you. Get out and be around people." He chuckled, "Plus, you would just spend your time re-reading all the Harry Potter books at the bookstore and get fired."

I shimmied my arms into the black jacket, "You're people. I am around you." I grimaced at how tight the tailored jacket often felt. Constricting at times.

He sighed hard, "Only because we live together." Alex reached over, helping me with my jacket before laying his hand on my forearm, "All you do is sit in your office under paper work, then you go home to your bedroom to sit under more paper work. Then you sift through the channels for hours until I find you passed out with Netflix asking if you are still watching Mad Men." His grin dropped to a tight smile, "It's almost been four months, time to decide whether you want to live or not." He pulled his hand from me, returning it to the steering wheel. "Lauren, I am always here if you need to talk." His blue eyes bore into mine, "You need to talk before you crumble."

I clenched my jaw as the tears that were always on the edge since that day in the medical school, threatened to be released. I blinked them back, nodding, "I know." I turned away from my friend, pushing the door open, "One hour, Alex." I stood from the car, placing my dress hat on and closing the door before Alex could utter another protest or word of wisdom.

I walked quickly through the main entrance of the Palmer with my head down. I didn't want to be recognized right off the bat. I knew in a matter of minutes, one of these officers would know who I was and begin asking the questions I still didn't want to answer. I had been furious to find out the yearly Forensics and Tactics conference was in Chicago and per me taking over as Captain for Jameson, I had already RSVP'd.

Shoving politely through the thick throngs of blue, grey, black, beige and brown uniforms, I made it to the sign in desk. My plan was to sign in, mingle through the throngs of people until I made my way over to the bar. Have one free drink then slip out the back door to Alex waiting in the side alley. Go home, eat a whole pizza and pass out with Netflix judging me like it did most nights.

That had been my routine for the last handful of months. My coping of the ever present pain of Ethan and Bo. It wasn't Ethan that hurt the most, even as I was still physically recovering from the wounds he gave me.

It was Bo who hurt me the most.

Bo's betrayal had wounded me to the core. Shattered my very existence to the point it was a miracle I was still breathing, or had the energy to go to work and hide behind paper work. I never allowed one more tear to fall in her name, one more breath issued with her name attached.

I had even started a massive fight with Alex the second week I was back in the city just to ease some of the pain. He was doing laundry for us and came across one of her old shirts and laid it on my bed thinking it was mine. I came home and broke seeing the memento of the woman and proceeded to run down the stairs like a maniac. Shoving the shirt in the fireplace and lighting it while he was in the kitchen making dinner. I took everything out on him and he stood firm, taking it. Eventually holding me when I collapsed in a heap of tears and sobs in front of the fireplace.

After that night, he would not say her name unless I said it first.

And that was how my life fell into a morbid autopilot. Living for an unknown reason, carrying the weight of everything that had happened. Seeing a therapist once a week and staring at her in silence as she prodded me to heal. Only speaking one or two words in answer to her gentle questioning. Deep down I didn't want to heal, I had lost the will or reason to want too. Knowing if I did, I would have to start all over again like I did after Elle and with Bo.

I was tired having to start over.

I held out my badge and ID to the cheery young girl at the white linen covered table. "Good afternoon Captain Lewis." She held out my plastic clip on badge and a thick manila envelope, "Here is the conference packet, your itinerary is inside. Enjoy the conference!"

I smiled politely, taking both and turning away before the Sheriff Deputy next to me from Okie Skokie began chewing my ear off.

Taking off my dress hat, tucking it under my arm I scanned around the room, looking for any open bar. Finally spotting one in the far right corner of the boring conference room. Glancing at my watch it blinked 11:59 am. I shrugged, close enough. I slid the packet under my hat and clipped my badge on backwards, hiding my name, before beginning the congested trek to the bar.

I was two steps away from my destination, excited that I had escaped being stopped and bothered. Feeling the eyes on me as I was highly recognizable due to all of the media from Operation Eclipse and then taking the Captain spot at such an early age. I was a celebrity in the law enforcement community and it had not diminished in the last handful of months. Only growing brighter with every day I sat in the Captain's chair.

Turning my head to the right when I heard my name called out a bit too excitedly, I kept walking forward, not paying attention. As a result, I proceeded to slam into a hard body, knocking my hat and itinerary packet to the floor and almost knocking me on my ass. I immediately grumbled a half assed apology, bending down to retrieve my items quickly before a crowd formed.

"Nice half assed apology there. You white shirts never pay attention to where you are going, but it's always everyone else's fault."

I furrowed my brow at the soft, feminine voice that was strong and full of snark. I collected my packet and hat, "I wasn't paying attention, you are right." I looked up to see a blue uniform, "But I am not a typical white shirt." I stood up to throw snark back at the officer, letting my eyes drift over her uniform to find a name. I took notice that she was wearing a Canadian police officer uniform and how they never really wore badges, just numbers on their epaulettes. My eyes finally settled on the irritated face of the female officer. Pale white skin, short bleached blonde hair and big blue eyes that made me catch my breath for a second. This woman was stunning, beautiful, even as her face was twisted in irritation.

I paused for a second, marveling how a woman this classically beautiful would ever choose police work over anything else she could. I then swallowed hard when thoughts of Bo crept in; I had thought the exact same that first day she sat in Jameson's office in her blues.

I took a slow breath in, throwing on my best fake smile, "I apologize again, Officer, I am normally highly aware of my surroundings." I shifted my hat and packet back under my arm. I looked back at the woman, noticing her eyes had been roving over me in a way that I knew was less than professional. It warmed me ever so slightly to know I could still pull looks from beautiful women.

Her big blue eyes widened when she caught me looking in hers, "Well, keep your eyes on the road." She glanced at my turned over name badge, reaching to flick it over, "Captain Lauren Lewis, Chicago Police Department." She dropped the badge back as I watched the slow thought process of where she already knew my name from pass over her face. The woman folded her arms over her chest, covering the small name badge on her uniform, "I'll let you off easy this time, but next time."

I smiled, "I appreciate that, Officer?"

The woman rolled her eyes, pointing at her plastic name badge hanging from her lapel. Easily seen if I was actually looking for it, "Officer Gail Peck. Toronto Metropolitan Police Service." She gave me a dirty look, "Have you ever been on the road, Captain? Or did you just stumble into police work."

I raised an eyebrow at the firm audacity of this woman. Normally I would shut her down and make her cry, but I was enjoying the bluntness of the woman, the lack of coddling and soft steps everyone around me had been doing as of late. It also didn't hurt she was attractive. I smirked, "I have done a traffic stop or two." I squinted playfully, "Only two though."

Officer Peck shook her head, "White shirts." She scanned the room, "Look, I have something I need to do over there." She turned to her right, obviously looking for an out, "Be careful where you walk Captain Lewis." Her voice was lower and I once again caught her eyes roaming on their own.

Officer Peck walked away from me without allowing another word to be spoken. I found myself watching her walk away, the way her hips swayed in the baggy blue uniform. I shook my head lightly; it was good to know I was still human and still had an active libido. I went to turn back to the bar when I caught Officer Peck stopping and looking back at me. Her eyes catching mine, she blushed quickly. Turning her head back around, she disappeared in the masses.

I laughed lightly, setting my hat and packet on the bar top, signaling to the bartender to come take my order. As he made my whiskey neat, I wondered if I would run into Officer Peck on my way out.

* * *

><p>XXXXX<p>

One drink in, I was cornered by a handful of police officers and Lieutenants from Virginia, all of them curious about what actually happened with Ethan and the FBI's involvement. It still hit headlines in Virginia since that's where the worst took place. I clutched my plastic glass of whiskey, listening to the invasive questions.

"Did you know she was an FBI Agent?"

"Why didn't you join the FBI after? I heard they offered you a job? Why didn't you take it?"

"Did Ethan choose his victims based solely on drawing you out?"

"Why did you come back to police work? I heard you had retired as a detective?"

I smiled tightly, listening to the same thousand questions thrown at me since the day Bo shot Ethan in that basement. I could feel the roll of my stomach meeting the anger building at having people digging into still fresh wounds. Hearing Bo's name over and over was making it worse. I was losing my sanity with every line of questioning thrown my way, regardless of the bland answers of I don't know, or read the reports thrown back in response in irritation.

I squeezed the plastic glass so hard; it began to crack in my fist. I closed my eyes when I heard someone ask if Bo and I were still together.

I had to get out of here.

"Excuse me boys and girls, but I need to speak to the Captain here." The soft snarky voice snapped my eyes open. Officer Peck's bright blue eyes on mine as she shoved her way into the small circle around me. I could tell she saw the discomfort and pain I was in as she began nudging people away, "That means leave now." She stood next to me, waving her hand at the Officers like she was swatting away flies, "So, leave. Now." Her voice was firm and meant business.

With a few grumbles and curses, the circle broke and I was left with my cracked glass and Officer Peck. I turned away from her to collect myself, feeling the tears coating my eyes, I set the glass down. "Thank you, Officer." I cleared my throat, hoping to also clear the tremble away.

I reached for my hat and packet, my watch telling me I had at least another thirty minutes before Alex arrived. Maybe I would just call a cab; I couldn't stand to be in this hotel for much longer.

"There's another bar over in the fancy lobby." Officer Peck's voice broke into my silent planning. I looked up at her, "Excuse me?"

She raised an eyebrow, "I said there's another bar over in the fancy lobby, you look like you could use a drink." She sighed, "And maybe you could buy me one for saving you twice today."

I laughed lightly, shaking my head at the boldness of this woman. "I didn't ask you too."

Officer Peck's eyes met mine, her softening a bit, "No you didn't, but you needed me too."

I bit the inside of my lip, looking at my packet, shaking my head in silent agreement. There was something about this woman that made me feel safe, calm. And when I looked in her eyes, I knew she understood what I had been through without ever telling her. I scooped up my hat and packet, "Lead the way Officer Peck."

The blonde smirked, "Follow me."

* * *

><p>We navigated with ease through the thick clumps of blue, Officer Peck shoving one or two people as she saw fit, and made it out into the ornate lobby of the Palmer Hilton without further incident. The large fancy bar was tucked against the far wall of the fancy lobby and looked exactly like I imagined it would in the 1920's when the hotel was built.<p>

Officer Peck took a seat at the bar, frowning at the man next to her who gave her a dirty look. I sat next to her, smiling as she chased the man away with a few well-placed words of sass. She rolled her eyes, "People, I really hate them."

I laughed lightly, "And yet you are a police officer, Officer Peck." I looked over at her, taking in how the soft light of the bar made the woman even more stunning the way the lights and shadows sunk into her pale skin.

She looked at me, "Gail, my name is Gail. Leave the Officer Peck shit in the other room." Gail flicked her hand at the bartender, "One tequila and a whiskey." She leaned forward on the bar top, turning to look at me. "So, what was up with your little fan club meeting I had to break up?"

I sighed slowly, picking at the edge of my hat, "You must already know." The whole world knew. I was on every news channel from MSNBC to E! My life spread out like morbid tabloid fodder.

Gail shrugged, "I might, but it doesn't mean the media always tells the truth." She straightened up, looking at me so much I could feel her eyes on the side of my face. Gail leaned closer to me, "All I know is when I looked over at you, what I saw made me step in, was the look on your face." She paused.

I rolled my eyes, "I know, the look on my face said please save me, right?" I was beginning to grow irritated, I met her eyes.

Gail shook her head, "The look on your face is the same one I see every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror." She held my eyes for a second before turning away to the bartender setting our drinks down. Gail grabbed her tequila, taking a heavy first sip. Setting it down she stared forward at the lines of liquor bottles on the wall, "Fuck the world and people in it."

I stared at the blonde, realizing that the way she carried herself was how I had been. Closed, cold and standoffish. The way she stared off into nothingness reminded me of all the times I did the same. Staring at nothing in hopes something would come of it. Answers falling out of the blank walls or the inanimate objects around me. I slowly picked up the tumbler of whiskey, "I don't know how to act around people anymore." It came out as a whisper.

A whispered confession.

Gail slowly looked over at me, "I never really knew in the first place, I kind of fake it."

I smirked, sipping the whiskey. "Why are we police officers then?"

Gail smiled, shifting in her seat so her body was closer to mine. "Because it's the only thing we know how to do right. The rest." She looked down at the floor, "Friends, family, co-workers, lovers, and just people in general, we mess up." Gail looked back up at me, "I knew from the second I looked at your name tag, I knew you and I were a lot alike."

I raised an eyebrow, "Really? Is it because of what the media told you about me and my life, Gail?" The irritation was seeping back in.

Gail shook her head, "I had a similar incident, one that has left me fucked up and fucking things up left and right." She smiled softly at me, "But I am not as graceful as you are about it all, Lauren."

I closed my eyes hearing my first name, it had been a long time since anyone other than Alex had used my first name. I focused on rolling my fingers around the edge of the glass; I suddenly wanted to tell everything to this strange woman next to me. I sighed, letting the words come out, "He was not my adopted brother, he was a kid I knew in the foster homes. Maybe the closest thing to a family I had to a family growing up, maybe that's why he still bothers me. Ethan hunted me for years while the FBI hunted me to get to him."

I picked up the glass, swirling the amber liquid, "The FBI undercover agent and I did have a relationship, one that." I paused as the last time I saw Bo replayed in my head, "One that I thought was something more, something I thought was the light in all of the darkness. But it was a lie, a ruse to get closer to me to get closer to him." I looked up at the blue eyes that were listening to me in a way that no one else had. Listening without judgment, "The media wrote I almost lost my life that night when Ethan was killed, in reality I did. I lost everything when the truth came out. I lost my life when I lost her." My voice wavered at the end, tears rimming my eyes.

Gail moved closer to me, her hand falling to my forearm in a way that felt forced but not at the same time. It felt like something uncharacteristic for her, but she was compelled to exhibit some sort of comfort, "The media is full of shit, Lauren. They did the same thing when that asshole Perik got his due." Gail slowly pulled her hand from my arm, "Spewing lies with truths, not realizing there is a person who is suffering under it all."

I furrowed my brow, the last name sounded familiar. I stared at Gail when it finally clicked; she was the Canadian officer who was kidnapped by the serial killer Ross Perik. I had read over the case file when it slid across my desk as a Detective. Jameson wanted me to take a look to see if we had any open files that matched Perik's MO since he had been mobile before settling in Toronto to wreak his final months of hell on the city. I also knew that a few officers had been hurt and one detective killed in the rush to save the woman who sat next to me.

I set my drink down, "The nightmares ever stop?"

Gail smiled tightly, "They only did when I had her, but I fucked that up too." She looked at me, blue eyes glassy, "I ran from the only person who loved me for my faults and nightmares. So, no they don't Lauren, unless you make them stop." She picked up her glass, draining it and asking for another.

I let a small silence fall between us. Gail and I were a lot alike, and were drawn to each other like heavy magnets. For whatever reason, this was my sign to finally open up, let some of the pain and hurt out. I moved closer, ordering another whiskey, "Tell me about her, Gail."

Gail closed her eyes, a lone tear escaping before she swiped it away. "She was my nerd. Came out of nowhere and threw my world into upheaval. Dr. Holly Stewart made me feel things I never knew I could feel. I loved her and never told her." Gail met my eyes, "I ran when it got to be too much, I felt too much and I ran. She kept the nightmares away, she made me feel like I could be loved and not because of my last name and the legacy it carries. But because of the beautiful mess I was. Still am." Gail choked out a half sob, half laugh, "I threw it all away because I was scared that I had finally learned how to feel. That someone actually saw something good in me." She slammed the glass of tequila, setting the glass down hard and asking for another before turning to me, "Now Lauren, tell me about her. Your her."

I closed my eyes, my heartbreaking for the hundredth time. Breaking for the woman next to me, breaking for myself as it begged for me to let some of the pain out before it got to be too much to be repaired. I took a healthy sip of my whiskey, my voice raspy from the burn, "Her name was Bo. Agent Ysabeau McCorrigan and she was my everything. Everything I needed to breathe, live and I loved her so much." I looked back in the big blue eyes, "We both threw it away when the lies and the betrayal became too much. I walked away first, my heart begging for me to hear her out. But I didn't." I clenched my jaw, "So many lies."

Gail held her third tequila up to her lips, "Did you tell her you loved her?"

I nodded quickly, "Many times, as many times as I could." I looked down at the fresh glass of whiskey the bartender brought with Gail's tequila, "But I don't who I was in love with, Bo Dennis the bumbling rookie cover she used or the professional impeccable federal Agent McCorrigan she is." I picked up the glass, draining half of it in one sip, "I don't think I will ever know."

Gail chuckled, the tequila taking hold as her cheeks pinked up, "Look at us, a white shirt and a meager patrol officer, drowning our sorrows in expensive booze." She smiled at me, "Why did we ever bother to feel anything? It only got us into trouble, continues to get us in trouble." She suddenly scooped up her glass, motioning for me to do the same, "Cheers to us, Officer Peck and the beautiful Captain Lewis. May we one day figure out why anyone needs to have feelings."

I raised my glass, letting Gail clink it before we both dumped the booze down our throats. Ordering another the second the glasses touched the bar top. The whiskey was sinking in my veins, making me warm and loose. I rubbed my eyes, looking up at the younger blonde and how she had called me beautiful. A simple word, but one that I had not heard in a long time and made me feel just that more human. Only because I knew Gail meant it when she said it.

* * *

><p>XXXXXX<p>

The hour came and went. Alex called me and texted me a handful of times. I drunkenly messaged him back that I had decided to stay and I would catch a cab home, making up an excuse that I found a couple of riveting seminars on breaching tactics I wanted to sit in on.

I had decided to stay, to sit and stay with the blonde woman next to me who was giggling, talking about her annoying co-workers love life and how it was a constant revolving door. There was something about Gail that made me want to be around her for as long as I could. She felt freeing, easy, caring in a way that I didn't feel like a victim, but a survivor.

"McNally is like a carnival ride, everyone getting on and off." Gail giggled, twirling her fifth or sixth tequila. She had a buzz, but was still doing better than I.

My fifth whiskey gave me a buzz but it was also igniting long lost feelings in my body. What it was like to be hugged, held, kissed, appreciated, and how I missed those things more than I thought. I pushed my empty glass away, "She's young, and she will figure it out eventually. She does remind me of my best friend Alex. I swear he will never settle down." I leaned forward, "I should tell him to come back and get me. I have had one too many of these." I pointed at the line of empty glasses in front of me.

"You want to get pizza or something with me?" Gail blurted it out, making me swing my head to look at her. She blushed, "Um, to soak up some of the booze before you go home."

I swallowed, feeling my stomach did need something to settle the eventual tempest the whiskey would shortly be starting. Before I could answer, Gail spoke again, "I like being around you Lauren, I just want a few more hours with you before we go back to life."

I held the gaze of the blonde, the vulnerability and sincerity of her words echoed my own thoughts about her. I nodded slowly, "There's a taco place around the corner. They deliver and have the best tacos that cure a hangover before it starts." I stretched, feeling the dizziness of the alcohol, "I do not think I can walk more than a few steps safely. We can sneak into one of the side conference rooms to eat it."

Gail smirked, producing a white key card, "Or we can eat it in the huge suite the city of Toronto is paying for me to stay in." She motioned to the bartender, "You call the order in, I will swindle another bottle from our boy here." Gail stood up, stumbling a step, grabbing onto the bar top to steady herself, "I eat anything as long as there are no tomatoes. I'm allergic to the little fuckers." She looked over her shoulder, "Room 821."

I smiled, dragging my phone out of my pocket hitting the programmed number for the taco place. I stood up, grabbing onto Gail's arm when I wobbled. Making her look back at me and smile when our eyes met, sending a strange sensation through my body. One I had not felt in a long time, but suddenly welcomed.

Holding on to her as I ordered enough tacos for a small army, I knew this night could go many different ways. I smiled at the idea of just letting whatever happens, happen. I needed to feel something, and the blonde sliding her arm into mine to escort me up to her room was doing just that. Even if it was for a night and just friendly, Gail Peck was easing the darkness away.

* * *

><p>XXXXX<p>

We met the taco delivery guy in the elevator. I drunkenly shoved a handful of money in his pocket while Gail giggled taking the heavy bag of Mexican food from him. The poor guy had a look on his face of pure fear and excitement. I couldn't blame him, the way Gail and I were laughing, flirting and touching each other; it could have been the start of a strange porno. Two women in police uniforms, drunk, cornering the poor innocent delivery guy.

I almost heard the huge sigh of relief when the elevator stopped on the eighth floor, the doors opening up to allow Gail and I to fall out, holding on each other.

Somewhere along the way, our hands came together. Maybe they brushed together innocently as I struggled to balance, or maybe it was because I really wanted to hold the blonde's hand. It didn't matter, when her hand met mine and she squeezed our fingers together, it felt right. I stopped thinking and let the rest fall to kismet.

Leaning against the wall outside of room 821, I squinted at the blonde hunched over trying to slowly get the door to accept her card. Gail was grumbling, mumbling when her swipes didn't take. On the tenth one, I reached over. Covering her hand with mine. Pulling a small gasp from the woman and making her look up in my eyes. Her hand was warm against mine, the spark in her eyes making me swallow hard.

I took a slow breath in, moving our hands together and swiping the card until the little green light clicked. Gail quickly pushed the door open the second the green light appeared, breaking all physical contact with me. I let my hand linger in the air, before dropping it and pushing free from the safety of the wall. I slowly followed Gail into the large hotel room, shutting the door behind me.

Gail was shuffling about the room, stripping off her stuffy uniform shirt, "There's a table by the window we can eat at. I will dig out some cups from the bathroom; I already have ice next to my bed." She tossed the tie and dark blue shirt off to the side, letting it land on the floor next to her luggage. Spilling out random other pieces of clothing and toiletries.

I nodded to no one, walking to the large circular table, setting the greasy brown paper bag down. I looked up out the window, Chicago lit up as night had long settled in. I rubbed my eyes, I had been sitting and drinking with Gail for almost six hours. A wave of apprehension and a moment of sobriety struck, I should probably go home. Not be in a random hotel room with a beautiful stranger and my long ignored desires nagging at the back of my mind.

"Look Gail, I think I should get going." I turned to seek out the door, my quick exit.

Gail came around the corner, wearing a tight black undershirt; her uniform pants hanging low off her hips in a way that made me bite my lip. A memory of another officer wearing her uniform pants in the same way striking my heart. She raised an eyebrow at me, "And leave me to further drown my sorrows in tequila and three pounds of tacos?" She shook her head, moving over to the table with the small stack of plastic cups, "I think not Captain."

I smiled tightly, looking for another excuse to leave when Gail laid a hand on my elbow, "Lauren, nothing is going to happen that you don't want to happen." She motioned at the food and bottle of tequila, "We are just two women who have a few things in common."

I felt my jaw twitch, nodding. She was right; we were two women with the worst things in common. We both had a madman run through our life and tear it to pieces. I looked up in the big blue eyes, that and we both had broken hearts that neither of us knew how to deal with. Let alone fix. I opened the bag, digging in for the first stack of tacos, handing the blonde ones with a giant black T on it. "No tomatoes like you asked."

Gail grinned, pulling out a chair for me before moving to take the stack of tacos and sit next to me. "Drink?"

"Sure, but lots of ice, tequila and I are not the best of friends." I slowly sat in the chair, peeling open the thick wax paper of the taco. "I don't know how can drink that stuff like you do."

Gail pushed a cup full of ice and a splash of tequila towards me, "I blame my mother. She literally drives me to drink and tequila is the only thing that chases her away." I watched her as she demolished two tacos in the time it took me to take one bite of mine. I smiled, laughing, "Your mother unhappy you're a police officer?"

Gail rolled her eyes, swigging down a healthy dose from her cup, "Far from it. My mother is more upset that I am still just a patrol officer and not a detective, a sergeant or on the quick path to wearing a white shirt every day."

She wiped her mouth, taking a deep breath, "My mother is Superintendent and holds the crown of the Peck legacy. Elaine Peck has always wanted me to be more." Gail held her glass up, her face turning somber, "Holly was the only one I dated that stood up to my mother, never cowered when mom threatened their career. Holly told my mother off, stood nose to nose to her, and demanded that she accept me for me. Not what I should be." I heard the sadness and defeat in the woman's voice. She had been beaten down most of her life, her strong sassy facade was out of survival. I noticed that whenever she spoke about this Holly, her entire being shifted. She became softer, gentler and happy even in the negative she spoke.

Gail looked up at me, shrugging, "I took care of that. I think I saw the relief in my mother's face when word got around Holly and I went our separate ways." The blonde tore into another taco, mumbling through a mouthful, "These are really good, I'm surprised a stuffy white shirt like you would eat cheap food."

I shook my head, slipping my arms out of my dress jacket, "I am more than just a white shirt, Gail. I was a road officer and a human before they handed me these gold bars and fancy tailored uniform." I rolled up my white sleeves, taking a large bite of the meaty, greasy taco.

Gail and I ate in silence for a few moments; I would catch her looking at me in between sips of her tequila. I was on my third taco when she broke the crunching silence, "You think you'll ever forget her? Bo?"

I cringed, biting the inside of my mouth when Bo's name landed on the table. I clenched my jaw, drinking the rest of my tequila, shoving the cup to Gail for a refill, "Why do you ask?" I tried to keep the hardness from my tone.

"Because I wonder if I will ever find forgiveness from Holly." She pushed my very full cup back, "The way I see it, is if you can forgive Bo for everything, maybe I have a chance."

I quickly gulped half of the tequila down, immediately feeling the heat as it rolled down my throat. Making my head fuzzy as I was getting drunker. I stared at the beautiful blonde, the stranger next to me. I sucked in a slow breath, "I think your Holly will forgive you, Gail. She would be stupid not to have such a beautiful, caring, strong and incredibly snarky woman in her life." I paused as the blush crept around her pale cheeks, "Have you asked for it? Forgiveness?"

Gail closed her eyes, fiddling with her cup, "I haven't spoken to her in weeks, months. I didn't even dear John it. I left her sitting in the bar. I was overwhelmed and fell into my trusty bad habits." She slowly opened her eyes, tears spilling down. Gail smiled weakly at me, "I'm not good with people, not even the one person I loved unlike any other."

I went to say something when Gail suddenly stood up from her chair, wobbling as she motioned behind her, "I'm getting more ice." I heard the bathroom door creak closed as the woman stumbled into the wall.

I sat there, staring at my tacos and tequila. Seeing my life reflected in Gail. Maybe that's why I felt the connection; she was where I was when I lost Elle. Struggling to understand how to live life without shutting down. In the end I did shut down and it took Bo to open me back up, only to make me shut down harder and faster in the end. I shoved the half eaten taco away, when Gail came back I would impart my wisdom on her, get her to see that sometimes you had to ask for forgiveness to get it. I blew out a unsteady breath, reaching for my phone to have Alex meet me at the hotel lobby in a little while, when I heard soft sobs coming from the bathroom.

I looked in the direction of the bathroom, stilling my movements to listen harder. Gail was sobbing in the bathroom, just loud enough to be heard. Loud enough to make my heart ache and want to do something.

I set my phone next to the piles of empty wrappers and stood up. Gripping to the edge of the cheap wooden table as my head swirled drunkenly from the unwelcomed movement. I blinked a few times and moved towards the bathroom.

The door was partially closed, doing very little to mute the sounds coming from inside. I tapped on the door lightly before pushing it open, "Gail?" I looked around the corner. What I saw made my heart dip into my stomach.

Gail had her back against the tub, her head in her hands. She looked up at me with red, teary eyes. I stepped inside, "Are you okay?" It came out almost forced, I was not good at dealing with crying women. The last one I walked out on spewing venom in her face to make her cry harder.

But I couldn't leave this beautiful, strong woman broken to pieces on the floor of a hotel bathroom. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hold her. I blinked back a few of my own tears realizing maybe I wanted her to hold me as I cried. This blonde was opening the parts of me I had locked away so tightly for months, parts I suddenly wanted to let the light into.

Gail shrugged, wiping her face, "Sure." She reached behind her to use the tub as leverage, nodding at the small ice bucket on the counter, "I am just grabbing the ice."

I went to step back and leave the bathroom, clear that Gail was not in the mood to talk or be comforted. "Okay, there are a few more tacos left." I began to turn when Gail took a step and lost her balance, falling towards the sink and me. I reacted as best as my drunken limbs could, catching her. My hands gently gripping her sides as her face brushed against my neck.

My heart began to pound at how warm she was, the way her breath tickled the side of my neck. She lifted her head up, we were inches apart. Gail's bright blue eyes drifted from mine to my lips, she straightened up slowly, her hands on my upper arms, squeezing lightly as she whispered, "God you're beautiful Lauren."

I squeezed her sides, feeling her breath quicken, I gave in. Leaning forward, Gail met me halfway. Our lips meeting slowly, tentatively. Testing the waters like all first kisses. I heard her moan as she pushed into me harder. Our kiss moved away from tentative to hungry, eager. Her lips were soft, warm, but not as soft and warm as the last I kissed. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter to chase away the thoughts and focus on the warm woman in my arms.

Her hands moved to the edge of my jaw, holding me as our kiss went further. Our bodies pressing into each other as I maneuvered us around so Gail was underneath me, pressed tightly against the bathroom counter. My hands moving up to graze the sides of her breasts before moving to her back. Gail was a passionate, intense kisser. Biting and nipping lips and tongue in a way that lit my body up.

I parted just enough to take in short gulps of air, Gail's hands moving to the front of my shirt, slowly unbuttoning my dress shirt. Her hands sliding in to lift up my thin undershirt. Her hands hot against my skin. I let my hand drift to the edge of her shirt, my own hand mimicking her movements. Her skin reacting to my touch as goose bumps appeared wherever I my fingers touched her.

I looked down in her eyes, heavy lidded and full of desire. I bent forward again kissing her slowly. I wanted this, I wanted to drag this woman into the bedroom and spend the night discovering every inch of Gail Peck. Even as I kissed her, my hand drawing further up her back to the strap of her bra, my mind fought my desires to feel something.

Gail Peck wasn't Bo Dennis and I wasn't Holly Stewart. We were desperately filling a void in the name of feeling like we deserved to feel.

I broke off the kiss, whispering against Gail's pink lips, "We can't."

Gail dragged her teeth against her bottom lip, "We can, Lauren. I want too, you want too." Her hands moved further along my stomach, her fingers barely grazing the edge of a scar. Making me take a full step back as firm reality hit and hit hard. I shook my head, pulling my hands from Gail and reaching for hers to remove them from my shirt. I didn't want this stranger to see my scars in many ways.

"I do want too, Gail. But we both know that this would be stupid, wasteful when we both know that we would be thinking of someone else." I looked up in her blue eyes, seeing the realization sink in. I licked my lips. The taste of Gail, tequila and tacos still lingering, I wound my hands into hers, "I find you beautiful, interesting and I will be forgive grateful for this night." I ran my thumbs over her knuckles, "But you aren't her and I know I am not her for you."

Gail looked up at the ceiling, her eyes brimming with tears, "I can't even do a pity fuck right." She looked back down at me with a crooked smile, her tone playful as she took a deep breath, "But you are right Lauren, you aren't her and I can see in your eyes that everyone you look at isn't Bo."

I nodded, "We are quite the pair." I smiled, dropping Gail's hands before my body pushed me to finish what it really wanted me too. It had been far too long since I had any physical comfort from another that was more than just a simple hug. I looked over my shoulder, "I will help you clean up before I call my friend for a ride."

I took a step back when Gail grabbed my hand, "Stay?" I raised my eyebrow; she shook her head smiling, "Stay and sleep. You're drunk, I'm drunk and it's been a long time since I had anyone want to be around me for more than five minutes." Gail let out a slow breath, "It's been a long time since anyone cared."

I stared at the blonde for a moment before nodding in agreement. I hadn't shared a bed with anyone other than Alex since Bo; I had forgotten how healing it could be to have someone share a bed innocently with. I looked down at my uniform, "As long as you don't mind me borrowing something to sleep in."

Gail's grin lit up the room, she dropped my hand. Walking out of the bathroom to her bag she dug around, standing up to hand me a Division 15, Toronto Metro police shirt and a pair of baggy running shorts, "These should fit you. You can change in here while I use the bathroom."

I smiled taking the clothes, watching the blonde quickly clean up the table. Throwing the uneaten tacos in the small fridge, then dumping the wrappers in the trash can. She grabbed a few pieces of clothing from the pile next to her bag before disappearing in the bathroom.

I stripped out of my uniform, pulling on the borrowed clothes that smelled like Gail. A distinct mix of laundry detergent and expensive perfume. A perfect description of the woman, simple yet incredibly complex. After hanging my uniform over the back of a chair, I sent Alex a text that I decided to head to my parents for the evening, I didn't want him to worry but I also didn't want the prying lecture bound to happen if he knew I was in a hotel room with a random blonde.

I set the phone down next to my uniform, moving to the freshly made bed. Pulling down the blankets, I was on the verge of passing out. The alcohol taking a firm hold as the quick rush of adrenaline from kissing Gail fell away. I struggled to keep my eyes open when Gail came out of the bathroom, dressed in a t-shirt with Medical Examiner across the front in faded black letters and a pair of long thin sweatpants.

I pointed at the bed, "Preferred side?"

Gail waved at the left, "I always sleep on the side closest to the door, bad cop habit." She shuffled over to the left side, sliding under the thick white blankets, "Holy shit am I about to pass out. That last shot of tequila might have been a bad idea."

I chuckled, sliding into the bed slowly. Careful to not touch Gail as I settled into the plush bed. My head hitting the pillows, making a sigh fall out. This bed was incredible. I tucked the comforter high up to my chin, "You do have quite the tolerance, Officer Peck."

Gail laughed, rolling on her side to look at me. I turned my head to look at her. I met her blue eyes and felt my heart skip ever so slightly. The woman was a stunning puzzle and one I wondered again why I stopped us in the bathroom. My heart wasn't in it fully, but I had locked my heart up in a box, Bo's name still tattooed all over it. Leaving no room for anyone else, let alone a mere thought of anyone else. What I said next I would always blame on the alcohol, the heavy greasy food I ate or a thousand other things. But in reality I knew it was me speaking truthfully, "I wished I had met you before everything, Gail."

Gail smiled softly, reaching over to brush some of my hair back, scooting closer to me, "Me too, Lauren. I wish that we had met each other when our hearts didn't belong to someone else." She let her hand rest on my cheek, "Doesn't mean we can't be friends."

I blew out a short laugh, rolling my eyes, "Pulling out the let's just be friends line?"

Gail laughed with me, "It seemed appropriate." She let her grin fade into a genuine one, "I wish I was her, Lauren."

I closed my eyes, leaning into her palm as I scooted closer to her body heat, "And I wish I was her, Gail." I reached up to her hand on my cheek, pulling it down to my waist. I then slid closer to the blonde, my arm going around her waist as she welcomed me into her arms. I laid my head against her chest, smiling when Gail's body grew warmer with every breath. Enveloping me in the safety she unwittingly offered. I mumbled against her shirt, "Thank you, Gail."

I felt her nod as her hands ran down my hair before settling under my neck, "Thank you, Lauren."

Another word was not spoken. Gail and I passed out in each other's arms. Sleeping better than either of us had in months. Finally having found, for one night, the simplistic meaning of having someone close. Someone who understand perfectly and didn't judge. Two broken hearts finding a moment of reprieve to breath and beat freely for a few short hours, before the ones who broke them and haunted them returned to take up residence for however long it took.

* * *

><p>XXXX<p>

I woke up to the sound of three loud raps on the door. A woman's voice calling out, "Housekeeping?"

I hollered through my pillow, "Come back later." I rolled to my back squinting at the bright light coming from the window. My hangover in full effect as my head throbbed. I rolled back over; searching out the warm body I had cuddled up to for most of the night.

The bed was empty, cold. I sat up, cringing at the taste in my mouth and the way my stomach rolled. I looked around, Gail was gone. Her bag missing and the messy piles of clothes gone with it. I ran my hands down my face and over my hair, blinking to focus.

The room was silent and empty. I was the only inhabitant.

I groaned swinging my legs out of the bed and moving to the table where my phone and uniform was. I would call a cab or call Alex and confess my lies. I reached for the phone when I spotted a small piece of paper with my name on it folded with a single lily resting over it.

I picked up the note, moving the flower gently. I stared at my name before flicking the page open.

The handwriting was precise and practiced, not the messy one I would expect the blonde police officer to have.

_"Lauren,_

_I had to leave for my flight and I didn't want to wake you up. You were passed out and looked like it was the first time in years you had slept that deeply, and I just am not good at awkward goodbyes._

_Thank you for everything Lauren. For being you last night. I really don't know you but I know that the woman I spent the night with last night is incredible. You gave me something I needed, an ear, a heart and arms to hold me without asking for anything in return. I will always remember you for that, and how you can hold your liquor better than most of my male co-workers._

_I hope you find your way out. I hope that one day you can find the peace you and I are both searching for. I also think you might need to ask for forgiveness within yourself then find Bo and give her the forgiveness I know she is searching for from you. I only say this because as I write this note, I decided to call Holly when I land; I know I will never move on if I don't. I think you need to do the same._

_I wrote my number at the end, call me in a few weeks and let me know how things are. If we find ourselves in a similar situation like we did last night, but our hearts are open. I'll come down for tacos and tequila._

_If you are ever in Toronto...well, you know the saying._

_Keep the shirt and the lily, I might have stolen your dress hat as a memento._

_Gail"_

I grinned at the note, looking to see that my dress hat was definitely missing. I set the note down, picking up the lily and taking a deep breath of its gentle scent. I looked out the window. The sun bright and shiny all over Chicago.

It was definitely a new day. A new day where I felt a little lighter, a little less consumed by darkness. I picked up my phone, quickly entering Gail's number before dialing Alex.

He answered cheerfully, "Hola Captain, what's the good word."

I smirked, running my hands over the division 15 above my chest, "Can you come to the Palmer Hilton and pick me up, then take me to Tony's for his hangover special omelet?"

"Uh, aren't you at mom and pops?"

I laughed lightly, setting the lily down as I walked to the bathroom to start the shower, "No, I kind of lied to you Alex. I may have met a blonde at the conference, gotten horribly drunk and spent the night with her." I laughed as I heard him curse lightly, "Be here in fifteen minutes, I will meet you in the lobby and tell you everything. Only if you bring me a coffee, my head is killing me."

I hung up on a stammering Alex, agreeing he would be there in fifteen minutes.

I stepped into the hot shower, smiling and wondering if I would ever see Officer Gail Peck again.

Deep down, I secretly hoped I did.

* * *

><p><em><strong>A few days later in Toronto -<strong>_

Gail dials the phone, hitting the contact name My Nerd. Waiting for the phone to ring, she unpacks her bag. Pulling out the black and gold accented dress hat. Rolling it in her hands, smiling at the thought of the woman who wore it, the woman she stole it from.

Walking over to her lone bookshelf with knick knacks and her police things, the blonde sets the simple hat on the top. Pushing it back so only she could see it. She smiles before the voice on the other line speaks, "Gail?"

The blonde swallows the urge to hang up, staring at the Police Captains hat, she finds the strength to speak. "Hi Holly."

* * *

><p><strong><em>A few days later in Chicago -<em>**

The lily was drying out, sitting in an empty beer bottle standing in for a proper vase. I had set it next to my bed the moment I walked in the door after spilling everything to Alex.

I plucked the still vibrant flower, shaking the remaining water off the stem before reaching for one of my thick forensic books. I opened to the middle, setting the lone flower in the crease of the pages. I sighed, smiling as I closed the heavy covers. Pressing one last time as I returned the book to its place on the shelf.

I stepped back; collecting my pile of laundry to take to Alex, the large white 15 on the shirt nestled in with my other clothes, peeking up. I smiled again, walking away but looking at the secret memories of a blonde who gave me the innocent act of caring I need to carry on. When things grew dark again, I could look at a spine of that thick book and know.

_FIN_


End file.
